you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
