i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
