what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
