Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
