I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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