Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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