Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
