I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just pee around me
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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