I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
