is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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