Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
