It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
