Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
