thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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