I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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