I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just google imaged poop.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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