I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
