why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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