My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
