the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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