the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
