i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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