I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
