I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
