you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
