You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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