I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
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I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO