Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
