in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
