I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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