she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
