In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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