Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
