I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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