We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
