i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
