Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
