K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
