For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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