I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
