She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.