Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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