My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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