Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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