omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
