Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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