my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
