I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
