addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
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Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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