Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
