so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
