Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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