I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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