the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you didnt know i had herpes?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
