come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
