i jhust puked up my retainher.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
