I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
