do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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