Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
